Monday, 28 June 2010

#13 Retirement Plan

When I get older, I’ve decided I’m to go to go a little mad, not quite stark staring bonkers or anything but peculiar, eccentric and strange. I’ll develop weird obsessions and phobias, hoard bin bags or dig tunnels in the cellar. I’ll mutter in high streets and exude a malodorous smell.

I’ll buy a walking stick with a metal end and shake it at life. Kids will run from my shadow and I’ll always say the wrong thing in shops – loudly – and be blunt to the point of rudeness and perhaps cultivate a line in casual racist remarks .

I’ll force young mothers to give up seats on buses and make damn sure I get the sympathy vote. I’ll milk state benefits and cause doctors to shake their heads, as I stay just on the right side of certifiable.

I think it’s the only thing that will keep me sane.

Sunday, 20 June 2010

#12 Beyond the cheese course

“Hello, nice meet you, we didn't get a chance to speak during dinner, I’m Letitia.”
“You seem like a strong, handsome, charming kind of fellow Brian, tell me …do you swing?”
“Aye lass, but it usually takes a new ball and’t right overhead conditions.”
"I see …well not beyond the bounds of possibility.”

Saturday, 5 June 2010

#11 Intruder!

“Hello, which emergency service do you require?”
“Oh, the police please, dear.”
“What's the nature of the emergency?”
“Well dear, I can hear strange noises coming from downstairs, I think we may have burglars.”
“Okay, okay, stay calm and stay on the line, I'm dispatching a patrol unit right away, they'll be with you in two minutes. Now don't worry, they'll see you safe.”
“Oh no, no, it's not me I'm worried about dear, it's the burglars. You see it's a waxing gibbous moon tonight and Eugene has slipped his chain ...again. You'd best tell them to hurry.”